Cultural Karma in Mong Kok

This is the story of why I sacrificed my daily diet of dirty Ronald McDonald for pig intestine.

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Before I launch into this story, let me just clear something up. For most of my life I've said I'm a vegetarian. Generally speaking I just don't really enjoy eating meat. The taste, texture...all that. It's not an animal welfare thing - I kill fish for sport. But I eat those fish. So technically I'm a pescetarian. But no one says they're a pescetarian. If I'd have said that at my primary school I'd have got a punch - and rightly so. As it was, in 1989 my school's vegetarian option was a plate of grated cheese - every day - just a plate of grated cheese - in 1989. Then as I got older people were like 'I can't believe you don't eat bacon - you're missing out'. I tried bacon. I was missing out. So I'm a pescetarian who eats bacon. So what does that make me? The answer is fussy. But at a dinner party or an airline menu list there isn't a fussy option so I just say vegetarian and most people seem happy and move on. The truth is though- I'll try anything once. I've eaten steak, sausages [even kangaroo sausages called Kanga Bangers - which sounds like the Australian equivalent of a sheep shagger]. I've had crocodile, emu, a venison burger in NZ [called a bambi burger]. I've had scores of fish species and seafoods - I once ate a pizza with something from 5 different phylums on it. After all this experimentation - I can safely say I don't really enjoy eating meat, but I like bacon and love seafood. So there. Right.

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At the time of writing I'm staying in Mong Kok. Mong Kok is not Hong Kong. Well, Mong Kok is technically in Hong Kong - but Mong Kok is mainland - Hong Kong island isn't. Ask anyone who lives on Hong Kong island [whether they are Asian or not] and they will describe the people who live in Mong Kok as locals. This basically implies all of the below. By being 'local' you are more tradionally Chinese. Hong Kong is almost actively not traditionally Chinese, or at the very least likes to maintain a distinct cultural identity. Hong Kong is, and has been for some time, a very international place. Many Europeans, North Americans, Japanese and Australasians call it home as well as many multi-nationals...all with their own towering sky scrapers marking their patch. The result of this mix is a city culture similar to London, Sydney, San Francisco or Vancouver. There are areas which are very Asian/Oriental but there is always that over-riding feel of 'Western' commercialism. Adverts and slogans are almost all in English and a majority of people working there will be able to give you directions if you're lost. The comparison between the other cities I mentioned really does seem to mostly end where the malls do. For example, a senior politician recently publically referred to homosexuality as a disease. They love Malls, but it might be fair say that on the surface the culture can seem very 'western' - but often only on the surface. In the malls though there will be lots of 'Western' outlets- Body Shop is huge here, as is Lush. [Boots was a giant in Thailand..!?]. Then there are the food outlets; McDonalds, Prêt a Manger and Ben and Jerry’s. There will also be, of course, the 711. Anyone who has never ventured outside of the EU will probably be quite unaware of 711 - perhaps they've seen it in American TV. Anyone else in the world will have noticed it's gradual march as it slowly takes over the world. It makes Tesco look like France [in a WWII simile] and Starbucks look like Belgium, McDonalds perhaps Britain while 711 is Mother Russia. Ok I need some help with this simile - who can do better...? The point is 711 are everywhere. If you've ever been to Leicester Square in London there's a point I like to stand at where you can see 5 Pizza Huts all at the same time. I've found places in Japan, Sydney, Bangkok and Hong Kong where you can count five 711s on a 5 minute walk. Last night I was walking home with a friend and fancied a chocolate milk. I popped into a 711, whipped out my magic Octopus card and *doot* it was mine. Five minutes later I'd finished and fancied another one. I'd passed three 711s in that time and I went into the fourth one and *doot*, with a waving gesture against the octopus reader it was mine. I try to support local business where ever I go in the world, but in Hong Kong especially I've found that hard. Which leads me very uneatly back to Mong Kok.

Mong Kok was full of anything but 'Western' commercial food outlets. There were restaurants, street vendors and stalls - all selling things which I could only guess at what they were, unless it was clearly a dead chicken/fish/squid/dog*. Every place was baffling and entirely void of any English [language]. [*Ok I didn't see any dogs but I have it on good authority that although it's not on the menu in some places, it very much is - if that makes sense. I don't know if it's 'bring your own and we'll cook it' - like a seafood restaurant but it certainly would be a good send off for Fido.] Now, as I said at the start - I like to try new things and be adventurous with my food. Who doesn't, right? That's how you find your favorite foods in life...[I'm thinking Udon noodles and soft-shell crab here people...who's with me?] But I think everyone will agree that once in a while you just want nourishment - something quick, cheap and tasty. Or fruit. Fruit is a different story.

Now, the first time I ever visit a new country I make a habit of going to a McDonalds as soon as possible. Don't gasp. It's never to buy food, but always to see how much they charge for a meal. It's pretty much the best way that I know of getting a feel for a strange currency. I did this in Hong Kong though and got very confused. I hadn't made a good start with the currency though. When I first arrived in HK I went to a cash machine for the first time I tried to get out 20,000 Hong Kong Dollars.- it refused. The maximum you could withdraw was 4000. Evidently, I'd got a decimal point wrong by two places place. [Thai baht is about 20,000 to twenty quid...I was jetlagged]. 500 Dollars is about 40 quid so I just tried to withdraw my non-existent life savings....

So I went into McDonalds in Mong Kok, just to work out what was going on with the currency. I did a double check - McDonalds in Hong Kong is almost exactly half the price of eating ANYWHERE else, that's including street food. For a semi-decent restaurant it's a quarter of the price. For a good one you're getting nearer to small fractions. Not only that, you could pay for it with a magic swipey octopus card. Suddenly Ronald had a new appeal about him, his luscious red locks blowing in the wind of my dreams and calling to me....

No.

I snapped out of it and went to an amazing Vietnamese with a friend instead.

The next day however, I wondered out of my hostel and decided to try some street food next to my right outside it. This included something that smelt like a ham sandwich that had been left in a plastic bag on a hot coach all day [which later turned out to be stinky tofu] and tentacles on a stick [I never found out if they were squid/octopus]. It tasted bloody lovely. Just as I was finishing it some English people from my hostel appeared next to me with disgusted looks. After selling them the idea of squid on a stick I convinced them all to try it. They liked it - victory! I wasn't a freak! Then I thought they were about to invite me for a drink and they said something strange. 'Do you want to come and do the happy meal challenge?'. I didn't know - did I? The happy meal challenge, if you haven't guessed or didn't know involves stuffing an entire McDonalds happy meal into your face in under 3 minutes. You only win once you've assembled the toy. The whole group was so lairy in the McDonalds that they drew a crowd. I'd gone for a Fillet-o-Fish double - just because I could. It had been a while since my last McDonalds - and after all my recent cultural food experimentation...I will admit it tasted bloody lovely. The next day I was hungry and needed food - fast. You could say, I needed fast-food. I looked around Mong Kok. Everywhere was this impenetrable Cantonese and strange foods and 711s.

Then - in the middle of all this confusion shone the Golden Arches of Ronald's open legs. 'Come on in' he whispered, his red wig playfully brushing my shoulder, 'I'm dirty but I'm cheap...and you LOVE it'. I surrendered to Ronald. I'd have been less ashamed if I'd accidently gotten a happy ending than a happy meal.

Afterwards I walked out, head down low - licking the salty grease of Ronald off of my lips. I did it again the next day, for breakfast. The day after I went in for more delicious punishment. And again the next day for lunch. I went 5 or 6 days in a row just eating dirty Rondalds in Mong Kok, either as breakfast or super. My guilt was such that I've written this blog. I just couldn't face crawling through markets for 'local' street food. However, all this time - the Fates were watching. Cultural karma was about to come round full circle...

I'd met a girl called Mary through my friend Kim from University. Mary was raised in the States but lived in Hong Kong and spoke fluent Cantonese. We found out we both had a day spare and she said 'I'll take you on a food tour of Mong Kok'. I gratefully accepted. The main reason I'd not eaten anything from Mong Kok other than McDonalds was because every time I asked for anything at the stalls it escalated into me repeating myself loudly in English and them doing the same in Cantonese until I either gave up or handed them money in the vague hope of not ordering a dog testicle. Having Mary with me would be great...yeah! Well... We met up and instantly headed for the stinky tofu. It was quite nice. A bit like cheesy greasy grilled tofu. Not half as bad as it smelled [which was horrendous]. Next - spicy fish balls. That's balls of fish meat....ok. It was VERY hot but I kept my cool and rushed off to get some fruit juice. Then came an interesting one.

'We'll go to a noodle place next' she said. Noodles....'I can do noodles' I thought to myself. We went to the noodle place, but she didn't order any noodles. We had a delicious soup with a kind of potato thingy [she couldn't translate into English so I'm doing my best] with a kind of giant radish and a sort of asparagussy thing and chopped shitake mushrooms, except that they weren't shitake. Then there was boiled octopus - surprisingly crunchy...must say I prefer it grilled or swimming around. Then there was a kind of jelly thing. 'oh that's pig's blood jelly' she said - 'try it, it's my favorite'. I did. I must say it was nice. Or I would have thought so if I didn't know what it was. Because I did know - I’d have to describe it as a kind of really creamy delicious version of that blood clot you get after a nosebleed that slips down the back of your throat. 'mmm' I said - 'it's like a soft black pudding'. Then there were squid rings. Oh wait, no. Having a small interest in biology I identified both circular and longitudinal muscle. 'This is intestine isn't it?' I asked. She nodded, 'pig intestine - try it'. So, with all the bravery and detachment I could muster, I ate it. I didn't like it and I told her. 'I don't like it either - I just wanted you to try it'. Thanks Mary...next time you're in England I'll introduce you to haggis - or maybe a dog turd sandwich - I don't like eating it but I like watching other people tuck in....

After that the tour was uphill. Fruit, cold tofu [a bit like crème caramel in texture] but really quite flavorless. The Chinese don't really do pudding [Look at the desert menu next time you go for a Chinese...]. We had some lovely sesame paste which was served in a huge bowl - a bit like runny peanut butter but sesame flavored. I finished that. Then we had a waffle with peanut butter and condensed milk. Delicious and filling. Finally we went for a 24 flavor tea. The main things I could smell were aniseed and black treacle, with a hint of marmite and gin seng. Mary had no idea what was in it - and I can only guess 4 so I'll leave the other 20 to your imagination. It was vile. My sister had told me to try it. On my blog/facebook there should be two photos [soon] - one before I try it and one after. I think the after photo face I pull has about 24 different expressions on it to match the taste of the tea - the overriding one being uncertainty. Mary made me finish it all as it was 'good for me'. Just as I finished the last drop, Kim texted us and said did we want to go out for dinner in about an hour? I was so full....

An hour later I'd finished my plate of Udon noodles and was tucking into Kim's. For now I was free of Ronald's spell and I'd beaten the karma...for now. India is my next stop and I have a feeling that Ronald might take on a whole new appeal....

[I am uploading this from Delhi. I had a dirty Ronald today. I'm sorry India]