Tuk Off

This is the story of why I broke into a Buddhist temple which contains one of the most precious objects on planet earth....

___________

I'm generally not a list-ticking traveller. I have a vague idea of a
few things I'd like to do in a certain place and meander around cities
and transport systems in a kind of dream. Sometimes I get to see
something, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I'm really glad I've made the
effort, other times I want to punch who ever wrote the Lonely Planet/
Wikitravel guide. More often than not though, the things I remember
most when travelling [after the people...] tend to be the things I
don't get to see. For example, when I was 10 we went on a family
  coachtrip to Italy [about 26 hours by coach each way from Loughborough
if that sounds appealing]. We went to Rome on Easter day and all I
wanted to see was the Colosseum. I had little interest in the opulent
grandiose architecture of Catholic cathedrals at the age of 10
[and I have even less now]. Easter day is the only day of the year
that the Colosseum is closed. I remember pinning my nose against the
railings and promising myself that one day I would return. I have
since been twice. If there was a smug emoticon I would insert it here
  [smug smug smug]. My point is that if I get an 'idée fixe' it takes
quite a lot for me to give up on it.

Now, as I said - I'm not usually a list ticking traveller. There was
however one thing in Thailand I really wanted to see.

In the 1950s a rather boring and unremarkable Buddhist temple decided
to move a rather large and dull concrete statue of the Buddha.
I imagine that the process of moving it involved a rather large and
unremarkable crane - probably operated by someone so underwhelmed by
the whole unremarkable task that they forgot to tie the lifting straps
up properly. The statue was accidentally dropped from a height.

There are varios scenarios I imagine for this happening. However it did happen, and how ever much 'incense' was being burned at the time, the fact of the matter is that someone, no names mentioned
Mong, someone dropped the statue. Whoops.

I can picture the whole dialogue right now:

Superviser: 'Mong you idiot' [Mong is the crane operator]
  Mong: 'Oh dear, this is probably quite bad'
Superviser: 'You dropped the statue - let me go and have a look'
Mong: 'Er, if it helps, I'm pretty sorry'
Superviser: 'You're lucky Mong, it seems to be mostly in one
piece...except for this bit that's fallen off here...I'll just get
some pollyfiller and no one will notice once I've patched up over this
solid gold bit where the plaster has fallen off.....wait a minute...'
  Mong: 'huh'
Superviser: 'Mong you're a bloody legend - I owe you a [insert
culturally stereotypical foodstuff] the next time we go for a [insert
culturally stereotypical Thai activity enjoyed between two
heterosexual crane operators]
Mong: 'huh?'

I think it went something like that. Mong's second 'huh' was when he
discovered that by dropping the statue and basically breaking it, it
in fact revealed that the statue was covered by a thin concrete shell - intended to conceal what
  was beneath [which it had quite successfully done so until Mong]. What was
beneath was the concrete shell was the largest solid gold object on planet earth - which
happened to be a Buddha - which people now worship extra hard as it's
not so unremarkable anymore [alright, put your ten commandments
away....]. You could say it's one of the most not so unremarkable
things on planet earth, if you like convoluted grammatical structures,
of which I could be accurately accused of mostly trying to, at all
costs, avoid.

As soon as I learned about this not so unremarkable statue - it was
something I wanted to see. This became an 'idée fixe'.

_____

So, you may remember my deep suspicion and dislike of the Tuk Tuk road
pirates of Bangkok. I never quite shook this off - that is until one
afternoon...

I'd had a bad morning [yes, a morning!]. Everything I wanted to do
was either shut, closed or non-existent according to the patchy
tourist information. The national museum was inexplicably closed from
Sunday until Wednesday every week and I'd missed the floating market
thanks to some bad advice. Then it started to rain. I was a soggy and
grumpy traveller. I went to tourist information and asked about the
giant golden Buddha. I'd been told by someone else that it was closed
for renovation - but after my experience with the man outside the Grand
Palace my own eyes were all I trusted. 'It's definitely open' said
tourist information. I was buoyed.  I decided to go in search of it,
but firstly I'd go for some Thai street food. This was the best thing
that happened all morning.

I was sat down at a long plastic table with
complete strangers and handed a plate of Godkno Wswhat in a sauce of
Donta Skme. It was delicious. Thai street food is pretty much the best
food in the world. The meal cheered me up and I felt ready for an
afternoon of adventure. Opposite the street food place there was a
building with a load of canons outside and it looked quite
interesting. I started walking up the path and realised quite quickly
that everyone else around me was in uniform. And had big guns. I
didn't have a big gun or shiny boots but I did have a camera. I took a
photo and before being 'asked' to leave, I walked back onto the road.
  'oi you mister'. I tried to ignore it but when I looked it was a
friendly old man on the public path. 'Don't go in there, that's the
national military headquarters' he informed me. I decided not to go
back for more photos.

We got talking and I told him my plans for the day and how I really
wanted to see the giant Golden Buddha but that  I'd been told by some
that it was open and others that it was closed.

He informed me that it was open and began a speech about Tuk Tuks and
how they were all pirates. All of them, except for the Government ones
with white number plates. At this point let me say there is no such
  thing as a Government Tuk Tuk. The Government hates Tuk Tuks. At the
time however, I was drawn in. I quickly realised I was hearing a sales
pitch and he listed not only the Golden Buddha but 5 other things a
driver could also show me, all for a fraction of any fare I'd be
offered by anyone. With alarming swiftness he flagged a white plated
tuk tuk and I began negotiating with the driver about the price. The
most important thing I said was to see the Golden Buddha. The other
attractions were the kind you see on a map and are told to see. I
won't even recount them here - I saw them and you will too if you go
to Bangkok, but that's all there is to say about them. I was
interested in the big golden Buddha - it had become an idee fixe.

The offer of the cheap tuk tuk quickly made sense. On the way I'd have
to visit a tailor shop for ten min and then I would be taken around
Bangkok. I wasn't having any of it. I did deals, made offers all to
little avail. The best I could wangle was seeing two sites, then a
tailor shop, then the golden buddha. I got in the tuk tuk and we were
  off on our farty engined piece of crap across bangkok.

So I saw this and he waited for me, then I saw that and he waited for
me. Then we went to the tailor shop. A pack of Indian salesmen
descended on me and asked me in depth questions about the kind of
fabric I'd want and when I was leaving. I asked where the toilet was
and hid there for ten minutes before emerging and finding my Tuk Tuk
driver. He seemed please and he took me to the stop before the Golden
Buddha. It was the golden mountain - a temple which, as the name
implies, involves some climbing. By the time I got back down [I rushed
so as not to keep him waiting] I couldn't see him anywhere. A Chinese
Tuk Tuk driver saw my bemusement and informed me he'd driven off. 'But
I hadn't paid him' I said quite innocently. At this he laughed 'he got
his gas token from the tailor shop - he doesn't need your money and
now he's gone'. I'd been ever so slightly had. 'Will you take me to
  the golden Buddha' I asked, as time was ticking - as it usually does.
'I'll take you' he said 'but I want gas token too - first we go to
tailor shop'. I suppressed my anger, took a deep breath and realised he
wouldn't budge, nor would any other drivers around. I agreed. This
time I was shipped in to a tailors shop and the tailor said 'you don't want a
suit do you?' . I was honest and said no. 'Here's your gas token - so
let's not waste each other's time'. Ah - a man after my own heart - a
human being, not someone leeching off me. I went back out after 30
seconds and the driver was furious 'I said look for ten min'. I
proudly presented the gas token to him at exactly the same moment I
realised it was just a business card. I'd been had by someone who was
trying not to be had by someone having me. 'THIS NOT GAS TOKEN'  he
shouted 'I take you to another tailor before Buddha'. It was at this
point, I'd had it. 'No. I don't want a suit, they know I don't. I want
to see the Buddha, why can't I just pay you to take me to the Buddha
and exchange money for a service like what happens in civilisations
across the globe!?' I ranted all this furiously at him, in a polite
manner. He understood exactly 3% but he'd got this gist. I wasn't
going to go to another tailor without a fight. 'Ok we go to Buddha
then I take you to a Tailor after'. I sighed a sigh of defeat and
agreed. At least I was going to see the Golden Buddha. I HAD to see it
now.

So we pulled up in front of the temple and I walked in. It wasn't how
I imagined it. In fact, it looked shit. It looked like a giant wooden
statue painted in fake gold leaf. 'Ah this is a copy' said a worker,
'the real one is in the new temple which is under construction'. He
pointed to a huge new temple being built next door. 'It is not open to
the public for another 3 months - you can't see it today - sorry'.

I think it's fair to say that this is where most travellers/tourists
would have snapped or given up. I however, had an idee fixe and I
wasn't giving up.

After quickly deciding Bangkok wasn't Rome and it was unlikely I could
nip back here any time soon - it was time to bring out plan B.

Plan B: 1.Somehow enter a high security temple with the world's
largest golden statue undetected.
2.See large Golden Buddha and take a photo
3. leave temple without being arrested and preferably undetected.

I cased the joint like a pro. After hanging around a worker entrance
on my phone for a couple of minutes I became part of the scenery to
them. Something was dropped and everyone looked round. When they
looked back I was inside. My sandals were off and my footsteps were
silent. I had no idea where in this huge temple the statue was  so I
just ran up the stairs and kept going. 7 flights in bare feet on a
construction site and I didn't cut anything or break anything, except
a sweat. I was doing well - I was at the top. I'm Indiana Jones and
Lara Croft rolled into one unsightly pasty English guy in his
twenties.

Suddenly there were no more stairs to climb. I was at the summit and
ahead I knew was the giant Buddha. I calmly walked past construction
workers and up to the place where it must be seated. I turned the
corner.

There is was, the largest golden object in the world in a wonderfully
sculpted form of the sitting Buddha. It was breathtaking. I took
pictures and stood in awe. I'd done it. More than the memory of seeing
it, I'd defeated the memory of not seeing it.

I snapped out of my daze and realised I was probably doing something
quite stupid. I didn't really care and meandered back down the stairs.
As a general rule in life, if you act like you should be somewhere,
then people tolerate you - sometimes they even start paying you.

I got to the exit after a couple of bemused stairs and my tuk tuk
driver flagged me down. I had no intention of welshing on my deal and
he keenly drove me to a tailor shop while I was in a bit of a dream. I
wondered into the tailor shop and I saw  him sigh when he saw me. 'How
many of these shops have you been in today' he asked. Honestly, I
couldn't remember. Quite frankly I didn't care. After seeing the
statue, the whole day had transformed from a battle I was losing into
a victory, I'd won, I'd seen the statue and I hadn't bought a suit.

I'm writing this from Hong Kong where I have quite deliberately banned
myself from any Idee fixe and it's wonderfully liberating. The closest
thing I get to an idee fixe here is a hankering for some squid on a
stick....but that's another story....