Tuk Off

This is the story of why I broke into a Buddhist temple which contains one of the most precious objects on planet earth....

___________

I'm generally not a list-ticking traveller. I have a vague idea of a
few things I'd like to do in a certain place and meander around cities
and transport systems in a kind of dream. Sometimes I get to see
something, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I'm really glad I've made the
effort, other times I want to punch who ever wrote the Lonely Planet/
Wikitravel guide. More often than not though, the things I remember
most when travelling [after the people...] tend to be the things I
don't get to see. For example, when I was 10 we went on a family
  coachtrip to Italy [about 26 hours by coach each way from Loughborough
if that sounds appealing]. We went to Rome on Easter day and all I
wanted to see was the Colosseum. I had little interest in the opulent
grandiose architecture of Catholic cathedrals at the age of 10
[and I have even less now]. Easter day is the only day of the year
that the Colosseum is closed. I remember pinning my nose against the
railings and promising myself that one day I would return. I have
since been twice. If there was a smug emoticon I would insert it here
  [smug smug smug]. My point is that if I get an 'idée fixe' it takes
quite a lot for me to give up on it.

Now, as I said - I'm not usually a list ticking traveller. There was
however one thing in Thailand I really wanted to see.

In the 1950s a rather boring and unremarkable Buddhist temple decided
to move a rather large and dull concrete statue of the Buddha.
I imagine that the process of moving it involved a rather large and
unremarkable crane - probably operated by someone so underwhelmed by
the whole unremarkable task that they forgot to tie the lifting straps
up properly. The statue was accidentally dropped from a height.

There are varios scenarios I imagine for this happening. However it did happen, and how ever much 'incense' was being burned at the time, the fact of the matter is that someone, no names mentioned
Mong, someone dropped the statue. Whoops.

I can picture the whole dialogue right now:

Superviser: 'Mong you idiot' [Mong is the crane operator]
  Mong: 'Oh dear, this is probably quite bad'
Superviser: 'You dropped the statue - let me go and have a look'
Mong: 'Er, if it helps, I'm pretty sorry'
Superviser: 'You're lucky Mong, it seems to be mostly in one
piece...except for this bit that's fallen off here...I'll just get
some pollyfiller and no one will notice once I've patched up over this
solid gold bit where the plaster has fallen off.....wait a minute...'
  Mong: 'huh'
Superviser: 'Mong you're a bloody legend - I owe you a [insert
culturally stereotypical foodstuff] the next time we go for a [insert
culturally stereotypical Thai activity enjoyed between two
heterosexual crane operators]
Mong: 'huh?'

I think it went something like that. Mong's second 'huh' was when he
discovered that by dropping the statue and basically breaking it, it
in fact revealed that the statue was covered by a thin concrete shell - intended to conceal what
  was beneath [which it had quite successfully done so until Mong]. What was
beneath was the concrete shell was the largest solid gold object on planet earth - which
happened to be a Buddha - which people now worship extra hard as it's
not so unremarkable anymore [alright, put your ten commandments
away....]. You could say it's one of the most not so unremarkable
things on planet earth, if you like convoluted grammatical structures,
of which I could be accurately accused of mostly trying to, at all
costs, avoid.

As soon as I learned about this not so unremarkable statue - it was
something I wanted to see. This became an 'idée fixe'.

_____

So, you may remember my deep suspicion and dislike of the Tuk Tuk road
pirates of Bangkok. I never quite shook this off - that is until one
afternoon...

I'd had a bad morning [yes, a morning!]. Everything I wanted to do
was either shut, closed or non-existent according to the patchy
tourist information. The national museum was inexplicably closed from
Sunday until Wednesday every week and I'd missed the floating market
thanks to some bad advice. Then it started to rain. I was a soggy and
grumpy traveller. I went to tourist information and asked about the
giant golden Buddha. I'd been told by someone else that it was closed
for renovation - but after my experience with the man outside the Grand
Palace my own eyes were all I trusted. 'It's definitely open' said
tourist information. I was buoyed.  I decided to go in search of it,
but firstly I'd go for some Thai street food. This was the best thing
that happened all morning.

I was sat down at a long plastic table with
complete strangers and handed a plate of Godkno Wswhat in a sauce of
Donta Skme. It was delicious. Thai street food is pretty much the best
food in the world. The meal cheered me up and I felt ready for an
afternoon of adventure. Opposite the street food place there was a
building with a load of canons outside and it looked quite
interesting. I started walking up the path and realised quite quickly
that everyone else around me was in uniform. And had big guns. I
didn't have a big gun or shiny boots but I did have a camera. I took a
photo and before being 'asked' to leave, I walked back onto the road.
  'oi you mister'. I tried to ignore it but when I looked it was a
friendly old man on the public path. 'Don't go in there, that's the
national military headquarters' he informed me. I decided not to go
back for more photos.

We got talking and I told him my plans for the day and how I really
wanted to see the giant Golden Buddha but that  I'd been told by some
that it was open and others that it was closed.

He informed me that it was open and began a speech about Tuk Tuks and
how they were all pirates. All of them, except for the Government ones
with white number plates. At this point let me say there is no such
  thing as a Government Tuk Tuk. The Government hates Tuk Tuks. At the
time however, I was drawn in. I quickly realised I was hearing a sales
pitch and he listed not only the Golden Buddha but 5 other things a
driver could also show me, all for a fraction of any fare I'd be
offered by anyone. With alarming swiftness he flagged a white plated
tuk tuk and I began negotiating with the driver about the price. The
most important thing I said was to see the Golden Buddha. The other
attractions were the kind you see on a map and are told to see. I
won't even recount them here - I saw them and you will too if you go
to Bangkok, but that's all there is to say about them. I was
interested in the big golden Buddha - it had become an idee fixe.

The offer of the cheap tuk tuk quickly made sense. On the way I'd have
to visit a tailor shop for ten min and then I would be taken around
Bangkok. I wasn't having any of it. I did deals, made offers all to
little avail. The best I could wangle was seeing two sites, then a
tailor shop, then the golden buddha. I got in the tuk tuk and we were
  off on our farty engined piece of crap across bangkok.

So I saw this and he waited for me, then I saw that and he waited for
me. Then we went to the tailor shop. A pack of Indian salesmen
descended on me and asked me in depth questions about the kind of
fabric I'd want and when I was leaving. I asked where the toilet was
and hid there for ten minutes before emerging and finding my Tuk Tuk
driver. He seemed please and he took me to the stop before the Golden
Buddha. It was the golden mountain - a temple which, as the name
implies, involves some climbing. By the time I got back down [I rushed
so as not to keep him waiting] I couldn't see him anywhere. A Chinese
Tuk Tuk driver saw my bemusement and informed me he'd driven off. 'But
I hadn't paid him' I said quite innocently. At this he laughed 'he got
his gas token from the tailor shop - he doesn't need your money and
now he's gone'. I'd been ever so slightly had. 'Will you take me to
  the golden Buddha' I asked, as time was ticking - as it usually does.
'I'll take you' he said 'but I want gas token too - first we go to
tailor shop'. I suppressed my anger, took a deep breath and realised he
wouldn't budge, nor would any other drivers around. I agreed. This
time I was shipped in to a tailors shop and the tailor said 'you don't want a
suit do you?' . I was honest and said no. 'Here's your gas token - so
let's not waste each other's time'. Ah - a man after my own heart - a
human being, not someone leeching off me. I went back out after 30
seconds and the driver was furious 'I said look for ten min'. I
proudly presented the gas token to him at exactly the same moment I
realised it was just a business card. I'd been had by someone who was
trying not to be had by someone having me. 'THIS NOT GAS TOKEN'  he
shouted 'I take you to another tailor before Buddha'. It was at this
point, I'd had it. 'No. I don't want a suit, they know I don't. I want
to see the Buddha, why can't I just pay you to take me to the Buddha
and exchange money for a service like what happens in civilisations
across the globe!?' I ranted all this furiously at him, in a polite
manner. He understood exactly 3% but he'd got this gist. I wasn't
going to go to another tailor without a fight. 'Ok we go to Buddha
then I take you to a Tailor after'. I sighed a sigh of defeat and
agreed. At least I was going to see the Golden Buddha. I HAD to see it
now.

So we pulled up in front of the temple and I walked in. It wasn't how
I imagined it. In fact, it looked shit. It looked like a giant wooden
statue painted in fake gold leaf. 'Ah this is a copy' said a worker,
'the real one is in the new temple which is under construction'. He
pointed to a huge new temple being built next door. 'It is not open to
the public for another 3 months - you can't see it today - sorry'.

I think it's fair to say that this is where most travellers/tourists
would have snapped or given up. I however, had an idee fixe and I
wasn't giving up.

After quickly deciding Bangkok wasn't Rome and it was unlikely I could
nip back here any time soon - it was time to bring out plan B.

Plan B: 1.Somehow enter a high security temple with the world's
largest golden statue undetected.
2.See large Golden Buddha and take a photo
3. leave temple without being arrested and preferably undetected.

I cased the joint like a pro. After hanging around a worker entrance
on my phone for a couple of minutes I became part of the scenery to
them. Something was dropped and everyone looked round. When they
looked back I was inside. My sandals were off and my footsteps were
silent. I had no idea where in this huge temple the statue was  so I
just ran up the stairs and kept going. 7 flights in bare feet on a
construction site and I didn't cut anything or break anything, except
a sweat. I was doing well - I was at the top. I'm Indiana Jones and
Lara Croft rolled into one unsightly pasty English guy in his
twenties.

Suddenly there were no more stairs to climb. I was at the summit and
ahead I knew was the giant Buddha. I calmly walked past construction
workers and up to the place where it must be seated. I turned the
corner.

There is was, the largest golden object in the world in a wonderfully
sculpted form of the sitting Buddha. It was breathtaking. I took
pictures and stood in awe. I'd done it. More than the memory of seeing
it, I'd defeated the memory of not seeing it.

I snapped out of my daze and realised I was probably doing something
quite stupid. I didn't really care and meandered back down the stairs.
As a general rule in life, if you act like you should be somewhere,
then people tolerate you - sometimes they even start paying you.

I got to the exit after a couple of bemused stairs and my tuk tuk
driver flagged me down. I had no intention of welshing on my deal and
he keenly drove me to a tailor shop while I was in a bit of a dream. I
wondered into the tailor shop and I saw  him sigh when he saw me. 'How
many of these shops have you been in today' he asked. Honestly, I
couldn't remember. Quite frankly I didn't care. After seeing the
statue, the whole day had transformed from a battle I was losing into
a victory, I'd won, I'd seen the statue and I hadn't bought a suit.

I'm writing this from Hong Kong where I have quite deliberately banned
myself from any Idee fixe and it's wonderfully liberating. The closest
thing I get to an idee fixe here is a hankering for some squid on a
stick....but that's another story....

What Did You Just Phucking Say?

When you are in a country where you don't speak the language at all, your subconscious mind is constantly scanning for meaning in the language and picking out the bits you might know in English or French from the million threads of speech you hear a day. It's remarkable how often you can pick English out in a crowd - but sometimes the brain gets it all wrong. The most common way I have experienced this is with song lyrics. Whole phrases will suddenly stand out - proudly propelled up from the subconscious by my brain after some swift decoding. At first it is English! Well done brain. Then your more rational analytical mind scans over what you think you've just heard sung in a song and points out it's gibberish, often filthy filthy gibberish.

Here are some of the real ones I've heard so far - I've noted them in order as I heard them.

"dirty tam tam"

"Dispenser out of marmite"

"Runny camel toe". This is one i keep hearing over and over in one popular refrain. I think it must mean 'I love you' in Thai.

"I got taken by a combine harvester"

"The sudden gagging to rule St Peter"

"Milky Cobra teeth"

"Take your virgina macaroni with you [this was a duet]
The whole thing is a bit like aural ink blot tests - which maybe says quite a bit about me?

Please tell me it's not just me that hears filth abroad....

Welcome to the Land of Smiles

[Written 11th July]

I flew out of Melbourne with a heavy heart for many reasons. It had a great music scene and the most 'european' vibe I've experienced outside of Europe [and inside in some cases...]. I'd only planned to spend 3 days there and extended that to 5 but I could happily have stayed another 4 months - I felt very at home there. Alas - yet another place I'll have to add to my 'Places to revisit' list - which basically includes everywhere I've ever been with the exception of LA.

But whether or not I felt ready to leave- I was on a flight to Bangkok, and so I started to get exited.

The first time I heard about Bangkok was when I was about 8. My best friend Sam at school had a Dad who was a civil engineer. He got a job building Thailand some sewers or [something big and important] and so the whole family moved out there. I was very sad to see them go but me and Sam kept in touch by airmail. It already seems like a different age as I type this on my laser keyboard and beem it wirelessly to anyone who cares to read it. But Sam's letters from Bangkok used to be really exiting and tell of all the strange things and customs. Mostly they talked about crossing roads and how that, generally, that was not advised...

I know many people since who've been and loved it - so I was keen to see the place for myself.

I arrived on my first night quite late so headed straight to my couchsurfer's pad. Now, I actually heard about this couchsurfer [called Wiwat] when I was in Sydney. I was staying with my lovely host Dawn, who broke me in very gently to the world of Couchsurfing. The day I left a French guy called Konrad arrived. [So I wasn't Dawn's one and only...I felt used and hurt...]
Anyway Konrad [who by freak chance I bumped into another 3 separate times in Sydney - slim frog odds] told me of a guy in Bangkok called Wiwat who 'just gives you the keys to his luxury appartment' and that's that. Konrad was right, that's exactly what happened when I arrived and I can honestly say it's nicer than any hotel I've seen. I won't go on too much about it as it would border on bragging - suffice to say I am now a dyed in the wool Couchsurfer fan.

When I actually touched down in Thailand it was a full moon and once again, I managed to time my trip perfectly to just miss something [I'm thinking missing cherry blossoms in Japan and most of the fishing season in NZ and not to mention the annual migration of magic marsupial hippos in Australia which is a state secret. whoops]. So I missed a chance of a genuine Thai Full moon party this time, but apparently they have half-moon and no moon parties. Basically, lots of parties. So I didn't mind too much. I bedded down in my penthouse and planned the next day in my head. Step one of plan, up early.

First Day in Bangkok

If you have only one day in Bangkok, you go to the Grand Palace. So this is where I started. I got on the very futuristic and mercifully air conditioned 'Skytrain' [a train track on stilts through the city]. I then got bus 47 with all the locals to the Grand Palace. I always prefer to use public transport if I can - it's much more interesting and keeps more money in the beer fund.

It wasn't as clear as I'd thought it would be when I arrived at the palace. Every time I saw a big golden spire I asked the conductor if this was it...but Bangkok is a beautiful city, full of golden towers and unique and stylish modern architecture so seeing a golden spire is not rare. The conductor cheerfully told me when to get off and I headed to the Palace, right after my first spot of delicious Thai street food [egg fried rwice, prawns and fish]. The entrance wasn't well signed so I asked a man helping some other foreign girls if he knew where it was. He was well dressed and constantly read your face when talking to you. He told me that Palace was shut for 2 hours for prayer but that he knew somewhere I should go in the mean time - a giant buddha statue - it wasn't far. 'Oh' I said - 'maybe I should walk there?'. This was too far he said, and I'd need a Tuk Tuk [trans:shit taxi] to get me there. With that, and timed perfectly, a driver stepped up. So naturally I got on, was toured around a number of shite shops and surprisingly, ripped off. at the end. NOT.

That's what I'd have done if I was a little less experienced in spotting a bullshitter. Clue number one - he was wearing a nicer shirt than me. Never buy something from someone who can afford to dress better than most other people - he'll be wearing your money next week. Clue two: the whole thing was all too rehearsed - the Tuk Tuk driver just a bit to soon off the mark. So I said 'Kabunka' [thankyou] and marched off to the Palace entrance where there was a sign saying 'Beware of wiley strangers' [sic]. The Palace was open - and this guy had annoyed me. It was hot, and a small walk back to where he was but I wasn't letting him off easily. I marched back to his pitch spot and interrupted a pitch to 3 girls he was telling that the Palace was shut. 'Why did you tell me the Palace was shut?' I asked. 'Who told you it was open?' he snapped with annoyance and a glimmer of fear that he just lost more money. 'It was the people who sold me a ticket and who let me in who told me it was open'. His calm salesmanesque reserve buckled - I expect he didn't have a rehearsed routine for this scenario.He looked very pissed off and talked in Thai and said I should go and talk to them then.I gave him a meaningful 'you're an arsehole' scowl [which I'm really quite good at] and walked off back to the Palace. So indeed - a good motto 'beware of wiley strangers'.

After spending time in front of the jade buddha and exploring the palace I was keen to try my first Thai massage. I'd learned from my research that the Palace was next to the international headquarters of Thai massage teaching - and it was also cheap [about a 50th of the price in Japan]. My sister had an experience in Hong Kong of accidentally seeing a prostitute when going for a massage and being offered a 'happy ending'. I was quite keen not to replicate this experience, as that's not really my cup of chi. It was a friendly place and full of families. Good sign. I got changed into special massage pants and was told to lay down. I won't lie, at times the massage was quite painful and not at all dodgy. Saying that, at one point she did have her foot in my crotch and rocked me back and forth and said I was handsome. Not at the same time, in a kind of creepy way - I'm sure she puts her foot in everyones crotch and Asian people use the word handsome often - it probably translates to them as 'looks like a dog's bottom'. So that was just one position amongst other ones that I couldn't recreate meaningfully in words without listing body parts. The climax was a huge spinal crack that left me in a daze for ten minutes, much to the amusement of the other ladies.

Afterwards I got the ferry up the river and admired Bangkok on the river at sunset. Then it was time to go to Koa San road. It was rush hour though and everything was gridlocked. After giving it some thought I decided tuk tuks are for pussies and got on the back of a motorbike taxi. I asked the driver 'do you have a helmet?' - he thought about it and said 'oh yeh, no problem' and swiftly put one on himself and told me to get on. Oh well, I did try Mum....

These bike riders are so naughty though. Bangkok has lots of those lanes which switch direction for traffic flow, like in Brum. These bikes swerve not just into the lane of oncoming traffic, that's what the tuk tuks do - these bikes overtake the tuk tuks by going two lanes into the opposite traffic flow. The problem is that similar parties in the opposite direction have the same idea. I let out some silent screams and prepared on two occasions to lose my kneecaps. All said though, I enjoyed the whole experience very much.

Once in Koa San it was very touristy and just what you'd expect. Drunk tourists, peddlers and bad cover bands playing the same pop hits. I met an Israeli couple who invited me to a 'ping pong' show. If you don't know what it is, it involves woman getting ping pong balls into pint glasses without using her hands - or mouth. I politely declined and went for a haircut. I noticed they did massages too, so for the price of a pint of beer I had another hour long massage, just to recover from the first one you see...

Then it was home time. Into a Tuk Tuk to get tuk'd up in bed after my long first day. After declining several 'lady-stops' I was back at my penthouse and ready for a swim with a big smile on my face. This is the land of them I'm told.