Welcome to the Land of Smiles

[Written 11th July]

I flew out of Melbourne with a heavy heart for many reasons. It had a great music scene and the most 'european' vibe I've experienced outside of Europe [and inside in some cases...]. I'd only planned to spend 3 days there and extended that to 5 but I could happily have stayed another 4 months - I felt very at home there. Alas - yet another place I'll have to add to my 'Places to revisit' list - which basically includes everywhere I've ever been with the exception of LA.

But whether or not I felt ready to leave- I was on a flight to Bangkok, and so I started to get exited.

The first time I heard about Bangkok was when I was about 8. My best friend Sam at school had a Dad who was a civil engineer. He got a job building Thailand some sewers or [something big and important] and so the whole family moved out there. I was very sad to see them go but me and Sam kept in touch by airmail. It already seems like a different age as I type this on my laser keyboard and beem it wirelessly to anyone who cares to read it. But Sam's letters from Bangkok used to be really exiting and tell of all the strange things and customs. Mostly they talked about crossing roads and how that, generally, that was not advised...

I know many people since who've been and loved it - so I was keen to see the place for myself.

I arrived on my first night quite late so headed straight to my couchsurfer's pad. Now, I actually heard about this couchsurfer [called Wiwat] when I was in Sydney. I was staying with my lovely host Dawn, who broke me in very gently to the world of Couchsurfing. The day I left a French guy called Konrad arrived. [So I wasn't Dawn's one and only...I felt used and hurt...]
Anyway Konrad [who by freak chance I bumped into another 3 separate times in Sydney - slim frog odds] told me of a guy in Bangkok called Wiwat who 'just gives you the keys to his luxury appartment' and that's that. Konrad was right, that's exactly what happened when I arrived and I can honestly say it's nicer than any hotel I've seen. I won't go on too much about it as it would border on bragging - suffice to say I am now a dyed in the wool Couchsurfer fan.

When I actually touched down in Thailand it was a full moon and once again, I managed to time my trip perfectly to just miss something [I'm thinking missing cherry blossoms in Japan and most of the fishing season in NZ and not to mention the annual migration of magic marsupial hippos in Australia which is a state secret. whoops]. So I missed a chance of a genuine Thai Full moon party this time, but apparently they have half-moon and no moon parties. Basically, lots of parties. So I didn't mind too much. I bedded down in my penthouse and planned the next day in my head. Step one of plan, up early.

First Day in Bangkok

If you have only one day in Bangkok, you go to the Grand Palace. So this is where I started. I got on the very futuristic and mercifully air conditioned 'Skytrain' [a train track on stilts through the city]. I then got bus 47 with all the locals to the Grand Palace. I always prefer to use public transport if I can - it's much more interesting and keeps more money in the beer fund.

It wasn't as clear as I'd thought it would be when I arrived at the palace. Every time I saw a big golden spire I asked the conductor if this was it...but Bangkok is a beautiful city, full of golden towers and unique and stylish modern architecture so seeing a golden spire is not rare. The conductor cheerfully told me when to get off and I headed to the Palace, right after my first spot of delicious Thai street food [egg fried rwice, prawns and fish]. The entrance wasn't well signed so I asked a man helping some other foreign girls if he knew where it was. He was well dressed and constantly read your face when talking to you. He told me that Palace was shut for 2 hours for prayer but that he knew somewhere I should go in the mean time - a giant buddha statue - it wasn't far. 'Oh' I said - 'maybe I should walk there?'. This was too far he said, and I'd need a Tuk Tuk [trans:shit taxi] to get me there. With that, and timed perfectly, a driver stepped up. So naturally I got on, was toured around a number of shite shops and surprisingly, ripped off. at the end. NOT.

That's what I'd have done if I was a little less experienced in spotting a bullshitter. Clue number one - he was wearing a nicer shirt than me. Never buy something from someone who can afford to dress better than most other people - he'll be wearing your money next week. Clue two: the whole thing was all too rehearsed - the Tuk Tuk driver just a bit to soon off the mark. So I said 'Kabunka' [thankyou] and marched off to the Palace entrance where there was a sign saying 'Beware of wiley strangers' [sic]. The Palace was open - and this guy had annoyed me. It was hot, and a small walk back to where he was but I wasn't letting him off easily. I marched back to his pitch spot and interrupted a pitch to 3 girls he was telling that the Palace was shut. 'Why did you tell me the Palace was shut?' I asked. 'Who told you it was open?' he snapped with annoyance and a glimmer of fear that he just lost more money. 'It was the people who sold me a ticket and who let me in who told me it was open'. His calm salesmanesque reserve buckled - I expect he didn't have a rehearsed routine for this scenario.He looked very pissed off and talked in Thai and said I should go and talk to them then.I gave him a meaningful 'you're an arsehole' scowl [which I'm really quite good at] and walked off back to the Palace. So indeed - a good motto 'beware of wiley strangers'.

After spending time in front of the jade buddha and exploring the palace I was keen to try my first Thai massage. I'd learned from my research that the Palace was next to the international headquarters of Thai massage teaching - and it was also cheap [about a 50th of the price in Japan]. My sister had an experience in Hong Kong of accidentally seeing a prostitute when going for a massage and being offered a 'happy ending'. I was quite keen not to replicate this experience, as that's not really my cup of chi. It was a friendly place and full of families. Good sign. I got changed into special massage pants and was told to lay down. I won't lie, at times the massage was quite painful and not at all dodgy. Saying that, at one point she did have her foot in my crotch and rocked me back and forth and said I was handsome. Not at the same time, in a kind of creepy way - I'm sure she puts her foot in everyones crotch and Asian people use the word handsome often - it probably translates to them as 'looks like a dog's bottom'. So that was just one position amongst other ones that I couldn't recreate meaningfully in words without listing body parts. The climax was a huge spinal crack that left me in a daze for ten minutes, much to the amusement of the other ladies.

Afterwards I got the ferry up the river and admired Bangkok on the river at sunset. Then it was time to go to Koa San road. It was rush hour though and everything was gridlocked. After giving it some thought I decided tuk tuks are for pussies and got on the back of a motorbike taxi. I asked the driver 'do you have a helmet?' - he thought about it and said 'oh yeh, no problem' and swiftly put one on himself and told me to get on. Oh well, I did try Mum....

These bike riders are so naughty though. Bangkok has lots of those lanes which switch direction for traffic flow, like in Brum. These bikes swerve not just into the lane of oncoming traffic, that's what the tuk tuks do - these bikes overtake the tuk tuks by going two lanes into the opposite traffic flow. The problem is that similar parties in the opposite direction have the same idea. I let out some silent screams and prepared on two occasions to lose my kneecaps. All said though, I enjoyed the whole experience very much.

Once in Koa San it was very touristy and just what you'd expect. Drunk tourists, peddlers and bad cover bands playing the same pop hits. I met an Israeli couple who invited me to a 'ping pong' show. If you don't know what it is, it involves woman getting ping pong balls into pint glasses without using her hands - or mouth. I politely declined and went for a haircut. I noticed they did massages too, so for the price of a pint of beer I had another hour long massage, just to recover from the first one you see...

Then it was home time. Into a Tuk Tuk to get tuk'd up in bed after my long first day. After declining several 'lady-stops' I was back at my penthouse and ready for a swim with a big smile on my face. This is the land of them I'm told.